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Behold the new ticker!

I could have sworn they used to have a more vaporwave-y slider for this definitely vaporwave-y meter. In the end I chose the green bunny because its color goes well with the meter's purple.

The idea this time around is to write something in the genre of light novels. They are just the opposite of self-conscious. They don't worry whether or not a sentence or paragraph or *entire scene* furthers the plot. And literally any plot will do, it seems, no matter how wild. The only goal is to entertain a percentage of the reading public that the rest of publishing ignores.

Part of me keeps comparing what I see in LNs and what I used to write. And I'm like... I could have done this years ago. I really think I could have.

The rest of me feels uncertain.

But at least this feels doable. If I stick my writing on Wattpad, I think it'll technically be considered a WN (web novel); that's how Sword Art Online and Log Horizon got their starts.

I'm keeping another blog on Medium that nobody reads. Two blogs with no views. A different sort of writer's block.

Yesterday I ate 1,500 calories that I should not have. It began when I ate the two extra biscuits left over from the can of five. I just couldn't stand freezing them, they looked too delicious. Those carbs lowered my inhibitions to rock bottom and I wound up destroying the last of my Easter candy stash: 900 calories of Reese's peanut-butter eggs. Later I ate 4 English muffins. At least they were only 100 cals each, but still. And they were plain, no peanut butter. Still.

I would have stood at 1,500 cals for the day without all that. So I doubled it. Which undid all my good behavior on Sunday.

I'm a little sad, is all. It isn't even about weight, not really, since I seem to have that under control. It's about health. Don't want to get diabetes. Don't want to stress my heart or liver or microbiome.

Not that the biscuits and candy and English muffins weren't really, really good.

Not sure where the balance is to be found.
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I have to make dinner soon, but here's a quick post:

The treadmill in the apartment complex's gym has been fixed! Let's see how long this lasts, heh. It was great to use it again; I set it to 3.5 MPH at an incline of 7. At the end the machine said I burned 383 calories. Wow, I knew it was a serious workout- I actually had to stop and drink water at the halfway mark- but I was still surprised. The treadmill will help me train even harder for the 5K in March.

Okay, it's now nearly 9 PM. Other stuff that happened today. I made a phone call and it wasn't a complete disaster! First I wrote a script so I wouldn't blather, and that was effective. I was just calling Half Price because I couldn't find a book I'd just bought and thought it might have been left behind at the cash register. After phoning I found the book- on a shelf. Okay, go me. >.> But the point is, I MADE A PHONE CALL.

And said "Have a good day" to the older guy at the gym right before I left. Heck yeah! Watamote is real life!

Got my first Prime Pantry box. It could have been packed better, but the Tressemme shampoo is pretty good, and I'm looking forward to my pita chips. Kellen liked getting the bag of animal crackers. Success!

Accomplished: Watched the last episode of Magical Girl Raising Project
Did one page in the book Dot-To-Dot Mindfulness
Got my music board on Pinterest to 398 albums
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Okay: I now have so many outlets for creativity and activities for the mind. For Christmas I got a couple of coloring books, new colored pencils, and graph paper. Today Half Price Books had a 20%-off-everything sale, so used my gift card and an extra twenty to buy a collection of poetry prompts, a book intended to help me make a habit of drawing, another dot-to-dot book, yet another 500-puzzle volume of word searches, and a sort of Spirograph clone that is simpler than the original but satisfying anyway. I pretty much CAN'T run out of stuff to do now. Also ALSO I was able to get another puzzle pack for my jigsaw app with the gold I'd earned.

Not to mention! At Half Price I took the plunge and bought a couple of Japanese-language instruction volumes; one includes a CD. I really should see how much more Japanese I can learn.

All this combined with the increased physical training I want to get into tomorrow should keep me busy. No time for anxiety or sadness, hopefully.

Incidentally, I figure I'll let go of Spotify for a while, depending on Hoopla and free-and-legal sites for my offline listening. Jamendo, Bandcamp, and NoiseTrade are filled with talented artists doing awesome things; they deserve more listens.

(Technically I should also pay more attention to indie authors, but it's harder to do that without paying money or settling for fan fiction.)

Heh, I just now downloaded a bunch of free albums from Amazon. Those are always a mixed bag but there is definitely some interesting stuff to be found in releases like that.

So okay... a New Year resolution that starts early is to waste a LOT less time on lurking around Twitter and much more on actually doing things. Consuming media, creating art, making the brain's gears turn.

UPDATE: Have now bought the entire discography of the vaporwave label, Business Casual. Hey, it was only one dollar for 131 releases. That should keep me busy for a while. Also planning on keeping an eye on Groupees. Actually I have some albums over there that I have to download. All this combined with the albums on Hoopla and even filling in with library CDs should keep the desire for Spotify at bay.

Still keeping Hulu, though. There's no reason to get rid of it; for $8 a month I get quite a lot of value, especially since it's frequently the streaming site that works best on the gym's wifi.

Look at all the stuff I can do if I don't spend all day on Twitter!
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 Posting from my phone. Man, I have eaten so much baklava. That's what happens when I don't have a particular thing that I REALLY like for too many years. Also walked to Target yesterday and bought three more of those Hershey's peppermint candy bars. That makes six; wouldn't have done that if they sold those bars all year long.

Also at Target were Funko Pop figures of Chirrut Imwe and Captain Phasma. I'm running low on funds so it was easier to say no. I really don't want to risk getting bitten by the collectibles bug. But sigh... I also really wanted Chirrut and Phasma.

I haven't wanted a character to be real so badly in such a long time. If he would have me, I would so learn at the feet of Chirrut. He'd probably just say to focus on the Force (or don't focus, merely reflect, if it's more like Taoism). But still. What I wouldn't give to meditate in that guy's vicinity.

It's funny how spiritual pursuits require solitude and quiet, but spirituality itself tends to be magnified by social interaction. Hence people praying and meditating together, singing in worship together, even emptying their minds together. It's hard doing this by myself. You'd think I'd have some chill hermit vibes, wouldn't you.i don't. I turn inward when I am alone. I think of myself. The results are hypochondria, anxiety, depression, and staring at the past. I don't pray or meditate for hours even though I could. Heck, I don't even do it for minutes.

It's late and we're going to the movies in the morning to see Assassin's Creed, so I need to get to sleep. It's nice Dreamwidth is still here and that I can access it through phone and tablet.
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 I'm so damn lonely.

New Year resolutions are more effective if you start working on them before January 1, so here I am on Christmas Eve. Actually, not sure what kind of resolution I have. Something to do with writing. I bought a new notebook today because of course I did. You can never have too many blank and slightly used notebooks around the house.

This Christmas feels like such a failure. Somehow it's still about money, and I spent a ridiculous amount and am not sure what I have to show for it. The place isn't at all decorated- I didn't even set up the little tree we have, as I just couldn't get myself to care- and part of that is because I know I'm the only one who is interested in decorations in the first place. Nothing is wrapped. We're just going to hand each other presents in the raw. I really don't like Christmas, I never do it right. 

It's funny how useless writing feels now. Is that a type of writer's block? No motivation. Give me one reason to bother with this beyond my little cathartic rants. Nobody will read my words and certainly no one will pay for them. No one cares; not even Kellen or Mom will read what I write unless I put it right in front of them. So I can just post nonsense to Wattpad or Medium and call it a day, pretend that writing never happened. What on earth is it even for.

Because all that stuff about how a single person can change the world? The disclaimer for that platitude is: Technically true, but limited to a scant few in any given century. I'm not going to change the world. It's offensive and cruel to order me to think I can. 5 or so years ago I decided I must be an NPC, and nothing that has happened since has proven otherwise.

Vanity, vanity, writing is vanity.

So why try to write everyday? I guess for the same reason I color and do word searches. It can calm me and help me keep going. That's about it.
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Haven't posted in a while. Things haven't changed much; I'm keeping up the exercise- 6 hours a week, even though I skipped Monday- but I do think losing the Fitbit has influenced my activity level. I just don't have a score to keep up, so I don't walk like I should. I may have to get a battery.

I've been eating SO MUCH fruit this week. A peach, plum, and banana for breakfast, watermelon at lunch, and a granny smith apple after dinner with the usual carrots. Sheesh. Endless fiber.

Writing continues to be a clustermess. I want very badly to write something Halloween themed. Don't know what. The very idea of writing just makes me so tired.
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Today I am pretty much useless. My period left me unable to exercise today, and I'm just sort of outside in the shade like an old woman. I'm mildly depressed over my cyst being infected AGAIN. Don't want to clean, even though it's Friday and the place is going to become a mess over the weekend if I don't keep up with it. Even typing is tiring.

I haven't been keeping up with my writing goal at all.

I just don't feel very good right now. A little sick, a little tired, a bit achy, rather down.
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It's important to acknowledge that writing 4,000 words last month was really something. For the longest time a project like that seemed out of the question. So even though the writing turned out to be a mess, it got done, and I can't overlook the fact that the worst of the writer's block seems to be gone.

Okay. Here is my vaporwave-themed ticker for August 2015:

(I was going to do a Sharknado-themed ticker, but when I saw the purple palm trees I couldn't resist paying homage to such a grand aesthetic.)

The goal hasn't gone up from 4,000 words, and won't until I comfortably make that goal, whenever that happens.

The rules for this month: anything goes, so long as it's fiction. I can start and stop whatever I want to, write in any form (prose, verse, script), be straight forward or experimental, etc. The idea is to keep the words flowing and the ideas taking shape. All writing for this project will be kept in a single Evernote doc for easy word counting and convenient access.

UPDATE 1: August 4

Okay, I've done practically nothing, and I've realized anew that chara interaction is such a weakness for me now that it pretty much kills early attempts at storytelling. So a play or script format may be the best thing to try. To force myself to write interactions and dialogue.

Swung by FictionPress, which I hadn't signed into in ages. Remembered that I would like to write something Christian. That category has very few posts when compared to, say, romance or fantasy. But for some reason I feel utterly insufficient for spiritual writing. Considering the nonsense you can find out there (God's Not Dead, anyone?) I should not feel any such thing. But there you go.

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A new month, a new fitness ticker! Since I did so well last month, clocking in at 168 miles (28 more than my goal), I've decided to up the ante a bit and make August's goal 150 miles. I've already walked 3 before 11 AM, and I'm hardly done today.

For this month I plan on increasing my exercise time in the gym with an emphasis on endurance and calorie burn; greater tension on the elliptical and higher grades on the treadmill will be the emphasis rather than improving time spent on interval running. We'll see what the changes do for my muscles and my figure. When it comes to steps counted, not sure whether there will be a difference or not.

Behold the new ticker!

Making a new ticker each time I set a goal is easily one of the most fun aspects of these projects.

UPDATE 1, AUGUST 1ST Okay, ten miles on day one. Excellent. I've decided that August should be a month of strength- and endurance training and this is a great start.

UPDATE 2, AUGUST 7TH This week has been kind of rough. I had been planning on not weighing myself this month, but I believe I will check out my weight tomorrow, to see the results of increasing my gym time and changing up what I do. Because I'm worn out.

Fitbit overestimated my mileage by .8 mile. This is probably because the grade was high for 40 minutes, and read my steps as going hard and far, when in reality I was just working on not falling backwards off Treadmill Hill. But I haven't been rounding up when logging miles- yesterday I lost over .9 mile that way- so it should all even out.

UPDATE, AUGUST 9TH Oooookay, on July 25th I weighted 115.6, and today the scale gave me the numbers 112. This week felt rough for a reason.

I have to find a way to balance all the exercise I want to do with my calorie consumption. I must be burning energy like crazy. Meanwhile, my muscle percentage has gone up nicely, so there is that. Water percentage is also good, doubtlessly because I have been drinking about 90 ounces daily, in addition to the water naturally occurring in all the fruit I've been eating. It must not be too much water, since I don't get headaches or whatever. Fat percentage was only 18% which really is kind of low. I want to fix that, add a percentage point or two.

UPDATE, AUGUST 14TH Today is the first day I haven't been able to properly exercise according to schedule in a very long time. I took a couple Tylenol before leaving the house for the gym, but when it had felt weird and bad to stand at the sink for dish washing that should have told me something. I could have taken feeling tired on the treadmill. I turned it down to 3 MPH but kept the 10% grade, hoping that would do it. Feeling sick, though, even after adjusting intensity? No. That's my wall. I'm not the sort to exercise through illness. I do not ever want to be the sort who exercises till I puke. I consider queasiness a warning sign that I should quit. So I quit (the machine said I had burned 118 calories anyway). Went home and had lunch. Unusually hungry.

I think I will still walk a lot, though. Walking in a circle while reading has been quite good for calorie burn in the past.

UPDATE, AUGUST 20TH At 127 miles logged, my Fitbit has run out of battery power. So here is what I am thinking:

I don't really need the gamification aspect to keep me moving, so I probably won't get a new battery any time soon.

This means I won't be sure of how many miles I am going (though considering I only had 23 to go this month, it's a sure bet that I will make the goal, in gym time alone if nothing else).

So I'll drop this goal, going as normal, and starting next month go for hours spent exercising. For instance, two hours at the gym on Monday, then 1.5 hours on walking with half an hour of weight training is another two hours on Tuesday. Four hours altogether. I won't expect ten hours from myself every week, though, since things happen. Let's go for eight, meaning 32 hours in the month of September. I can earn those hours any way I like, so long as it actually counts as exercise (walking indoors or out, gym time, weight lifting, YouTube aerobics, etc.).

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My July Running Challenge ticker seems to have vanished from the Ticker Factory servers, so I made another one. Am posting it here for safe keeping.

Yesterday I took a break from the gym because my left ankle felt a little too tired and achy. Walked around the park in Carmel instead. Only got 4 miles in all day, but today will hopefully make up for that (if the gym isn't busy for the holiday).

At any rate, yesterday I went ahead and gave it up for Panda Express, because a side effect of living day to day is you find yourself thinking "I could die at any time, it would suck for the day I am living to be less than awesome." Not sure how to balance memento mori with prudent denial. Carefully assembled a lunch in the Panda Express nutrition calculator then saw it shot to hell as the actual shop didn't have mixed veg or broccoli beef. Okay, fine, I got a ton of white rice, as well as orange chicken, which I had planned to get anyway, and sweetfire chicken, which I had not. I'd always been afraid before of the name and the red bell peppers clearly added to label the heat of the dish. But it turned out to be not hot at all, and was one of the best things I've tasted from Panda Express. So it was a good meal and worth the nearly 1,000 calories it ended up costing.

I kept the day's calorie count under 2,000 and still got in some fruit servings. Today will be not so good, of course, and tomorrow is Chinese-buffet day at Journey, so yeah. Gym today. GYM TODAY.

UPDATE- JULY 24: Ok, this is the second ticker that's broken on me. Not happy. At any rate, I am at 137 miles, so I should finish with plenty of days to spare. Yeah!

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4,000 words in July! That's the goal now. 250 words, 4 days a week.

Ever so slightly challenging, but not impossible, I think, in my current state.

Here is a ticker I made to keep track of my progress.

Who am I kidding, it's a reward for progress.


Well, that was unexpected. A completely unexpected story. But I like the first 520 words. Who knows what will happen in this thing.

...Why won't my ticker update. In the text editor it now shows the progress, but not in the saved post. I've tried various things, including using different codes and deleting the ticker to start over. Nothing works. wtf. I have to google this.

Oh, now it's updated! Maybe it just takes a while.

UPDATE 2: It's July 4th and I'm 1,645 words into a story set in my Fifth Kingdom world. It just turned into that, which wasn't at all what I had in mind at first. This feels awesome, and a bit scary, as I do something I used to do all the time: write and see what happens as the story assembles itself. You don't even know where all the parts are coming from, the story just picks up components and screws them into itself.

UPDATE 3: July 7. Yesterday I tried following the scene I had planned and put down very few words. So today I let that drop and had the main chara do something else. I also realized that interactions exhaust me. When I try to show charas together or speaking together, affecting each other, I feel tired and weak. A story about people is too heavy to lift. It's far easier to have a chara thinking or speaking essentially to themself.

So this is something severely in the way of my writing. Stories tend to be about charas interacting.

UPDATE 4: July 9. 1,000 words left, and yes, it's the interactions I can't manage, as well as clear images in my head of what a scene would look like. Interesting skills to misplace. I'm going to have to do specific exercises to get back the ability to write interactions and scenes because you can't write without those.

UPDATE 5: July 18, still 1,000 words left. I see now that I should have set my challenge's rules to require 4,000 words of fiction about anything, not 4,000 words of a single scenario. I just don't care about the scene that has tumbled into being with this project and I would love to switch to something else. But I hate the idea of changing the rules while the project is going on. This has meant a lot of wasted days without writing. Next challenge will have very different, more flexible rules.

UPDATE 6: July 31. There we are, the dog walked all the way across the city. I finished writing by just letting my chara ramble off topic. It was interesting rambling, though.

August's writing challenge must be more flexible. 4,000 or so words about anything, so long as it is fiction. Tiny bits of flash fiction, even, anything that amounts to 4,000 words.

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It's so hard to write.

I hate the feeling of useless typing. Where is the power in writing online. Where is the sense of unique recording of thoughts for readers.
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Just got back from Goodwill on a quest for a spatula to replace the old one last that took up melting while turning pancakes. I did indeed get a spatula, for only 50 cents, as well as a couple other things:
  • a 180-page wireless notebook for 99 cents
  • a copy of the paranoid Phil Phillips classic, Saturday Morning Mind Control, also for 99 cents
That last one was completely unexpected. I could not resist. I very much look forward to seeing Philips hotly condemn the 1980s cartoons and video games that are now considered "classic" and "quality".

The notebook may or may not be a good buy. I have loose notebook paper, but my plan to doodle/scribble on one page a day and put it back in the package didn't pan out. So okay, let's see what happens with a notebook. Just doodle. Just scribble. It's cheap paper. I owe it nothing.

I have to spend more free time on reading. There is just way too much that I want to read. Jeff Somers, on his Barnes & Noble blog, just recced some insanely complicated and lengthy fantasy/sci-fi series from the 1980s that I will probably want to check out. Meanwhile I'm 20% through the book about the Rwandan genocide, have The Disaster Artist lined up as my next e-read, and am still only a third of the way into The Blow-Off. After that last novel, it's on to one of the other two dead-tree books I got from Irvington. At least I only have 30 minutes left in The Hundred-Foot Journey, which I should certainly be able to finish while exercising tomorrow. Hopefully then I can get back to the audio edition of Delicious Foods (though I have to find my place again).

Seriously, so many books, especially since I also want to cash in some 30-minute blocks of time for anime. But I definitely need to cut the time wasted on Twitter and such. It's pointless, it's the junk food of mental stimulation.

btw today I found out people are writing "YES NO YES NO" around a cross made of pencils because they are trying to summon a demon named Charlie. WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY DOING THAT. NO, NO DEMON CONJURING, STOP IT PEOPLE

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I'm kind of tired but making myself write so this may be passionless.

Only just now checked Spotify's new albums for Tuesday. Looks like a lot of good things to check out, though I notice the new Tiesto album was bumped up from last week, so that it comes across as a new release two Tuesdays in a row. Something tells me that those spots are paid for, which would explain why so many albums appear under the "new release" category late, and so many never appear at all. If it weren't for's weekly list of new material I'd miss a lot.

I don't know what the heck is with The Blow-Off, one of the novels I randomly checked out of the Irvington branch library. Not sure why an author would even bother with a book that basically just grumbles but says little, if anything. The main chara is a racist homophobe who hates pretty much everyone and thinks very highly of himself, and various traits make him remind me way too much of a certain someone. Got to say, I didn't realize there was any guy quite like that under the age of 60. I'm probably going to finish the book- it's a fairly fast read- but maybe mostly because you just don't see stuff like this every day. It's a good thing we don't.

Reading an e-book about the Rwandan genocide, probably because the situation in Myanmar is on my mind. The genocide in Rwanda was mind-bogglingly efficient, with about 75% of all the Tutsi people murdered by May (the slaughter began in April). The more I read about Rwanda during that time, the more I wonder what anyone thinks we were supposed to do. The government in that country called for it; the Hutu public became a tidal wave of machetes that killed day by day by day. Short of invading the nation and waging war, there was nothing. In the end, the genocide was stopped by a rebel army of Tutsi people.

The white West must accept that we are only human, and can only do so much, and cannot even tend our own garden well.

I tripped across an apparition of the Virgin Mary known as Our Lady of Kibeho, seen in south-west Rwanda in the 1980s by schoolchildren. She seemed to have predicted the genocide, and called for prayer to stop it.

My only issue with this alleged apparition is that it follows a pattern seen in many visions: predict horrible event, call for prayer and a return to the Lord. Does this ever work? Do people actually pray and repent and prevent anything? If time and again this is all a vision has to say and nothing is prevented, I'm not sure how much faith I should put in its authenticity. The Tutsi people had been oppressed before the genocide; it's possible that violence and death was not hard to predict for anyone.

Can't ignore, though, this bit of disturbing info:

The school where the visions occurred became a place of slaughter during the genocide as dozens of children were hacked to death by Hutu terrorists. Some of the visionaries were among the victims. - Wikipedia

I wonder if the murderers gave any thought to the location.

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Last night I put the Wattpad app on my Kindle mainly so I can have a writing app on that particular device. Sometimes while lying in bed I think about writing but writing on the phone is no fun- the keyboard is too small- so, Kindle. It's good to make writing as convenient as possible to remove all excuses.

The surprising thing learned about alcohol yesterday is that it genuinely doesn't have much of an effect on me. I drank 16 ounces of 8% alcohol and all it did was make me very tired, then inclined to eat cookies. I didn't feel really relaxed, or in a better mood, though the room did seem a bit brighter and I maybe felt younger? And I wasn't as much aware of the passing of time. But considering it cost 400 calories and I was pretty helpless for more than an hour, I would like to get more out of it. It did cross my mind that it could loosen me up while writing, but that would only work if I could easily sit up straight and use my arms, seriously.

BUT. It's nice to see that drinking doesn't make anything negative happen either. I didn't get angry or weepy or anything like that. Of course I didn't drink that much, but still. Drinking more would probably just make me more tired, more snack inclined. And even less alert, more out of it. I can't say I'm thrilled with that aspect.

I feel like I can make the choice to not bother with alcohol, not because I am afraid of it but because I just don't care for the feeling of not being sober.

Meanwhile, I do have a better idea now of how people normally feel when they drink. The idea of drinking till drunk, spending an evening as a walking mess and not remembering anything the next day and repeating the experience on purpose, is more befuddling than ever. Why would anyone do that. Why would anyone ruin their lives and the lives of those around them for the experience.
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Well, that can of Mike's Harder Lemonade was a waste of 400 calories.

All I did was the same thing I did last time I had alcohol. I distracted myself with entertainment- Kellen selected a movie on Netflix called Icetastrophe- ate sweets even though I wasn't hungry (1,200 calories worth of cookies), then went to bed for a couple hours. All in all neither experience was worth writing home about. And I'll have to spend all week working off those calories. I don't see the appeal.

So anyway I've been thinking that when writing I should try to come up with something more mundane as a beginning. A lot of fiction starts with a mundane beginning, building up from there. A lot of bad fiction, I have noticed, tries to be awesome and attention-grabbing from line one. I bet starting with a simple scene not only eases the reader into the story but also indicates a certain level of confidence in one's writing abilities.

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I find myself wanting to create something but don't know what to create. And here are some thoughts:

For some reason it can be hard to make myself move to do something artistic. I could draw, but I have to get out the art supplies which are on the floor right now, a terrible place to keep art supplies. My digital tablet is on the desk upstairs, but for some reason pulling it out from under laundry and plugging it in and letting it recalibrate if necessary makes me feel exhausted. Just thinking of it makes me exhausted.

I could fold origami, but that would involve going upstairs, getting on the floor and folding there. I am downstairs right now. Kind of feel locked into staying here, for some reason.

I could write, but no idea where to begin and imagining writing anything makes my brain tired.

I could take out the clay I bought, the clay I've never used, and just mold something- a darned bowl, even- but... I don't know, again I have to take it out and clear an area on the table and blah blah blah.

Why does everything feel like so much work? Why does each step feel like a hassle? I am not lazy; I wash dishes and do laundry and vacuum the floor and do everything else that needs doing. No, I just feel weary when I imagine creativity. Too weary to do anything.
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Today I have my first alcoholic drink (I am not counting the three sips of champagne I drank back in 2007 or whenever that was). It is a 16-ounce Mike's Harder Lemonade, "Mango Mosh" flavor, 8% alcohol. After some googling and WikiHow, it looks like this will take some preparation: eat something first, drink water afterwards (or during), go slow, etc. It's also supposed to be harder on me because I'm female, not to mention the fact that I have no tolerance for it yet. In addition to all this, no idea how it's going to taste. Huh.

It feels like Operation: Drink Alcohol.
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My legs have been feeling so powerful lately. This week I've been working them pretty hard in the gym, and there is the running at 5 MPH for 2:30-3:00 minutes at a time. It's all having an affect. Kellen is especially impressed by the shapeliness of my legs. So even though my boobs deflated and sagged after I lost weight, I still have legs. *thumbs up*

I'm glad I lost weight before I got too fat and things could get out of hand. My stomach is a bit saggy, but you can't see most of that if I stand up straight. My arms wrinkle a bit in the crook of my elbow but nowhere else.

The HAES movement needs to make something clear. You can go ahead and gain weight if you want to, but the further you go and the older you get the harder it will be to change your mind. Something tells me that stopping before I reached size 14 and at age 35/36 means I dodged a bullet.

And now I have to stay fit, lest I lose more muscle mass than necessary and wind up a twiggy old woman. I have to lose some but I want to keep as much as I can.

Trying to figure out what I want to eat for lunch; today we're going to the local Chinese takeaway joint. Sesame chicken and cashew chicken both sound awesome. I would love some of those fried biscuits they offer, but I don't technically NEED something like that and I have to think of Kellen here. Fried biscuits come in boxes of ten, so that would be five for each of us. At this point I could take an extra sweet like that but he's still losing weight and doesn't have as much time to exercise as I do. Also he will almost certainly get a lot of high fructose corn syrup in sodas this weekend and I don't want to contribute to an even higher consumption of sugar (there is no way I would demonize sugar, I love sugar, but the sheer amount that could be easily taken in and cause type 2 diabetes concerns me).

So I think I'll just stick to the lunch special and I will probably get sesame chicken because it's so sweet.

Still making my way through the "Happy Hipster" playlist on Spotify. There is a lot of good music on this list, but it's kind of overwhelming and hard to pay attention to any one band.

Okay, here is a thing. Someone made a post on Tumblr telling bisexual people in opposite-sex relationships to stay out of LGBT spaces, adding that if they won't stay away, they must leave their "het partner" at home. The response is predictable- everybody hates this view. A lot.

So I'm thinking about it and I must admit that I KNOW life is way easier for me in my relationship than it would be if I had fallen in love with a woman. I feel a certain level of the humbles, cautious about just moving into LGBT spaces since I spent so many years in denial and no one can even tell that I am bi, not just from looking. I'm not going to announce "I AM BI AND HERE IS MY OPINION," rolling around among the obviously gay people as if I own the place. On the other hand, I don't appreciate being told to stay out of, say, the local pride festival or to leave Kellen at home. Like, no. Just no. I'm bi, a fact that I am shy about even in my own head; I am not heterosexual, and while it's true that people can't tell by looking it would be awfully difficult to tell the public at large such a thing and that's not my fault.

It's funny that there is still a part of me that thinks of how pissed Dad would be if he knew. It doesn't matter to me, there is just a residual nervousness that recalls the feeling of keeping a secret and knowing the risks.
jojothemodern: (Default)
I didn't feel like writing anything and didn't feel like I had anything worth writing anyway so I made myself come over here and write.

Somehow I got two books from the library that are by the same author. The Hundred-Foot Journey (audio book downloaded through Overdrive) is the guy who write Buddhaland (hardcover volume I checked out of the Irvington branch at random). That's so weird. Out of the gazillion novels offered by this library system, I got the only two novels written by this guy. At almost the same time.

The cyst on my neck periodically stings, even with a bandage and some Neosporin on it. I really, really hope this doesn't become a thing. I'd forgotten how much of a pain it is to have a bandage on my neck.

I could swear that my cysts are more easily irritated since I lost weight. Instead of a nice cushion of fat they have direct contact to bone and muscle and this results in friction? Maybe.

Today I spent another hour at the gym, 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the elliptical. While on the latter machine I legit made my teeth hurt. Okay, I just googled the topic of tooth pain during exercise and I see this is something that could trigger my hypochondria (apparently there can be interesting causes) so to heck with it, I'll just go on wondering why.

In Ireland today they are voting on marriage equality. In my liberal bubble on Twitter it looks like a shoe-in for equality but that means nothing. We'll just have to wait for the count to roll in.

In America we're waiting for the Supreme Court to come up with a decision that could simply end all state bans on marriage equality. This should have happened ages ago.

I didn't expect people to use Josh Duggar as a jumping off point and start focusing on homeschooling as a sanctuary movement for weird shiz, but I'm glad they are doing it.

I'm tired and hungry. Thank God cheat day is tomorrow.

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