Dec. 24th, 2016

jojothemodern: (Default)
 I'm so damn lonely.

New Year resolutions are more effective if you start working on them before January 1, so here I am on Christmas Eve. Actually, not sure what kind of resolution I have. Something to do with writing. I bought a new notebook today because of course I did. You can never have too many blank and slightly used notebooks around the house.

This Christmas feels like such a failure. Somehow it's still about money, and I spent a ridiculous amount and am not sure what I have to show for it. The place isn't at all decorated- I didn't even set up the little tree we have, as I just couldn't get myself to care- and part of that is because I know I'm the only one who is interested in decorations in the first place. Nothing is wrapped. We're just going to hand each other presents in the raw. I really don't like Christmas, I never do it right. 

It's funny how useless writing feels now. Is that a type of writer's block? No motivation. Give me one reason to bother with this beyond my little cathartic rants. Nobody will read my words and certainly no one will pay for them. No one cares; not even Kellen or Mom will read what I write unless I put it right in front of them. So I can just post nonsense to Wattpad or Medium and call it a day, pretend that writing never happened. What on earth is it even for.

Because all that stuff about how a single person can change the world? The disclaimer for that platitude is: Technically true, but limited to a scant few in any given century. I'm not going to change the world. It's offensive and cruel to order me to think I can. 5 or so years ago I decided I must be an NPC, and nothing that has happened since has proven otherwise.

Vanity, vanity, writing is vanity.

So why try to write everyday? I guess for the same reason I color and do word searches. It can calm me and help me keep going. That's about it.

June 2017

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