May. 23rd, 2015

jojothemodern: (Default)
My legs have been feeling so powerful lately. This week I've been working them pretty hard in the gym, and there is the running at 5 MPH for 2:30-3:00 minutes at a time. It's all having an affect. Kellen is especially impressed by the shapeliness of my legs. So even though my boobs deflated and sagged after I lost weight, I still have legs. *thumbs up*

I'm glad I lost weight before I got too fat and things could get out of hand. My stomach is a bit saggy, but you can't see most of that if I stand up straight. My arms wrinkle a bit in the crook of my elbow but nowhere else.

The HAES movement needs to make something clear. You can go ahead and gain weight if you want to, but the further you go and the older you get the harder it will be to change your mind. Something tells me that stopping before I reached size 14 and at age 35/36 means I dodged a bullet.

And now I have to stay fit, lest I lose more muscle mass than necessary and wind up a twiggy old woman. I have to lose some but I want to keep as much as I can.

Trying to figure out what I want to eat for lunch; today we're going to the local Chinese takeaway joint. Sesame chicken and cashew chicken both sound awesome. I would love some of those fried biscuits they offer, but I don't technically NEED something like that and I have to think of Kellen here. Fried biscuits come in boxes of ten, so that would be five for each of us. At this point I could take an extra sweet like that but he's still losing weight and doesn't have as much time to exercise as I do. Also he will almost certainly get a lot of high fructose corn syrup in sodas this weekend and I don't want to contribute to an even higher consumption of sugar (there is no way I would demonize sugar, I love sugar, but the sheer amount that could be easily taken in and cause type 2 diabetes concerns me).

So I think I'll just stick to the lunch special and I will probably get sesame chicken because it's so sweet.

Still making my way through the "Happy Hipster" playlist on Spotify. There is a lot of good music on this list, but it's kind of overwhelming and hard to pay attention to any one band.

Okay, here is a thing. Someone made a post on Tumblr telling bisexual people in opposite-sex relationships to stay out of LGBT spaces, adding that if they won't stay away, they must leave their "het partner" at home. The response is predictable- everybody hates this view. A lot.

So I'm thinking about it and I must admit that I KNOW life is way easier for me in my relationship than it would be if I had fallen in love with a woman. I feel a certain level of the humbles, cautious about just moving into LGBT spaces since I spent so many years in denial and no one can even tell that I am bi, not just from looking. I'm not going to announce "I AM BI AND HERE IS MY OPINION," rolling around among the obviously gay people as if I own the place. On the other hand, I don't appreciate being told to stay out of, say, the local pride festival or to leave Kellen at home. Like, no. Just no. I'm bi, a fact that I am shy about even in my own head; I am not heterosexual, and while it's true that people can't tell by looking it would be awfully difficult to tell the public at large such a thing and that's not my fault.

It's funny that there is still a part of me that thinks of how pissed Dad would be if he knew. It doesn't matter to me, there is just a residual nervousness that recalls the feeling of keeping a secret and knowing the risks.
jojothemodern: (Default)
Today I have my first alcoholic drink (I am not counting the three sips of champagne I drank back in 2007 or whenever that was). It is a 16-ounce Mike's Harder Lemonade, "Mango Mosh" flavor, 8% alcohol. After some googling and WikiHow, it looks like this will take some preparation: eat something first, drink water afterwards (or during), go slow, etc. It's also supposed to be harder on me because I'm female, not to mention the fact that I have no tolerance for it yet. In addition to all this, no idea how it's going to taste. Huh.

It feels like Operation: Drink Alcohol.
jojothemodern: (Default)
I find myself wanting to create something but don't know what to create. And here are some thoughts:

For some reason it can be hard to make myself move to do something artistic. I could draw, but I have to get out the art supplies which are on the floor right now, a terrible place to keep art supplies. My digital tablet is on the desk upstairs, but for some reason pulling it out from under laundry and plugging it in and letting it recalibrate if necessary makes me feel exhausted. Just thinking of it makes me exhausted.

I could fold origami, but that would involve going upstairs, getting on the floor and folding there. I am downstairs right now. Kind of feel locked into staying here, for some reason.

I could write, but no idea where to begin and imagining writing anything makes my brain tired.

I could take out the clay I bought, the clay I've never used, and just mold something- a darned bowl, even- but... I don't know, again I have to take it out and clear an area on the table and blah blah blah.

Why does everything feel like so much work? Why does each step feel like a hassle? I am not lazy; I wash dishes and do laundry and vacuum the floor and do everything else that needs doing. No, I just feel weary when I imagine creativity. Too weary to do anything.

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