Feb. 1st, 2015

jojothemodern: (Default)
For some reason I am finding comfort in posting to a blog nobody reads.

Tumblr is wearing me down. It's a weird little toxic circlejerk, though whether it's always been this bad or is getting worse I can't tell. Should probably unfollow a ton of users and start over.

Writing words is easier for me now that my elevated level of physical activity keeps my mild/moderate depression from soaking me through. (Though recently I've been walking around with some hopelessness and a bit of self-loathing; it's like I stepped in a puddle of despair and my socks are wet.) But writing stories is another thing entirely. There's some fear there. Easier to craft an incomplete scene or picture my characters in my mind than actually risk creating a story from beginning to end. There's fear, there's not knowing where to start or where to go.

My comfort zone is tiny. This April the plan is to force myself to take a set of swim classes at the YMCA, which I will easily be able to afford and get to by foot but will almost certainly terrify me. It's bad enough that water is scary. It will also be a class, something I have, uh, no experience with outside of that so-called "art" class I took in 2013. You could sketch out the picture before painting it but that would be cheating? Seriously, what a mess. And it wasn't a class, it was just a place to hang out and play with paint. The women who brought wine had the best time of it. This thing at the Y will be a real class that means to teach people how to begin swimming. Talk about something I have no experience with. Besides, it's a social thing and I'm going to feel like an awkward kid who should be left alone, see if I don't.

Ok, see how tiny my comfort zone is. That's primarily why I'm taking this class. Watching the episode of My 600-Pound Life wherein Penny didn't believe she could get out of bed and wanted to give up the minute things got difficult made me look at where ACOA traits can take a person. Life itself shouldn't be allowed to remain so frightening.

Neither should writing.

One thing to remember is that nobody reads this blog. So if I post bad poetry or stupid drabbles who's gonna know?



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